𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐒 𝐓𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐑

Blessed Are the Shameless A 21 year old American streamer enters Lagos surrounded by bodyguards and cameras, and very quickly the outstretched hands begin to appear. Not hands waving hello. Hands asking. Hands reaching. Hands, demanding. The crowd is loud. Some of them were laughing, some of them jeering, many asking for cash, for streaming. It is easy, from a distance, to call this embarrassing. To say Nigerians beg too much. To say the country has forgotten pride. Lagos, up close, teaches you the rules with your body. Heat on the back of your neck. Generator coughs behind walls. A road that is five roads at once. A queue is a suggestion. A policeman’s stare is a question you are expected to answer with money. The public square is not neutral. It is an instructor, and its syllabus is survival. In a place where institutions do not protect you, where procedure does not rescue you, where waiting your turn is a reliable method of being ignored, shame becomes a rule you keep for yourself w...

Teachers make good wives/husbands.  It's in the constitution.  Nurses/Doctors sitaongea mengi.  Most Business women (Successful ones) are unmarried.  Don't try to marry them, son. Wekea mkewe biashara. Ukiona inashika sana anaenda kuomoka, tuma wezi na uuwe mmoja wao. Ibeni lakini mbakishe kidogo. Mpe pesa ya stock tena. Repeat. Sitawafunza kila kitu, cabrons..!

If you go missing for seven years without anyone hearing from you, the law presumes that you are dead. A court may then declare you dead, and the date of that declaration becomes the official date of death that appears on your death certificate. This means your relatives are legally allowed to inherit your land and property—while we, your neighbours, go ahead and distribute your women among ourselves. If you suddenly re-emerge in the eighth year as a “returning officer,” you have no legal right to reclaim what was previously yours. The lesson, therefore, is simple. Anyone who chooses to 'enter grass' must always return within six years to beat this law. If necessary, you may then disappear again and again. This is one of those pieces of humour that somehow found its way into the law books (the Evidence Act). I also remember a similar touch of humour in the 2010 Constitution. Article 14 on citizenship states that if a child is found anywhere in Kenya, appears to be eight years ...