MUSINGS
2. Dreams require delusion and audacity
3. Wamesema niwaambie mwache kusema harder harder, juu hawajawahi tuambia tighter tighter.
4. Grief has no shame nor does it adhere to schedules. It erupts in the most unconventional places. One day it caught up with me in a matatu; another time in the middle of a writing workshop.
5. When I started writing ten years ago, people here gave me so much psyche. Nowadays social media is a landmine. Watu ni wakali ajabu and it is like we have regressed to mchongoano.
Mammito put a gym photo recently and someone commented about her pelvis area, saying only serious inches can manage it, and he got 1000+ likes. How did we get to this level of comfortable with opening our mouths like that? I see comments on people’s photo that “hiyo sura ndio inarudisha nyoka kwa pango”. God, I hate it so much.
We have become hurtful, violent and we have normalized it. You cannot carry that bully behavior ya utoto into adulthood. Grow up and learn to disagree in these apps without abuses. Majuu nayo you will end up in jail asubuhi na mapema.
6. The universe isn’t on a budget. Wee ipatie your demands.
7. I attended Jamaica Kincaid’s reading/interview few days ago. She said A.I. has no unconscious/subconscious. Writers know what I mean.
8. Rabeka is such a bad name. Even if it is spiced as Rebecca. And Tobias. Another bad name to come out of luhyaland is Esnas.
9. Him: those things you are watching are so dramatic; you should try watching documentaries. Also him on Saturday morning: kwani huweki hizo vitu zako….and why was the girl with purple hair screaming like that yesterday? Is it because of Victor? I always suspected Victor.
10. The first time I hear the word mwecheche, it is my small brother, who informs me.
11. If anyone knows our first born, she is a lioness, Amin Dada-style dictator, simba marara, the chief terminator of any wayward behaviour. Even my parents fear her but our 2 Gen Zs say hold this cup. I personally watched in December my Gen Z sister humble my big sister, as the said Gen Z did some online application for her, aliambiwa, kaa hapo. Hata mimi nilikaa kando na nikanyamaza.
12. My entire childhood was built around weddings. We lived in Bukembe Secondary staff quarters and almost all weddings in the district chose it as their venue. Every weekend, me, Glocyluv and the nine boys we grew up with like Kevin would be seated in the hall by 7.57am sharp, our faces full of Vaseline, without knowing whose wedding it was or what time the bridal entourage would arrive, some coming from as far as Cheptais, huko Mount Elgon. Sometimes those people took forever to arrive (as late as 11pm) and we would wish to do the wedding amongst ourselves. But we waited buana. We waited with hunger. We refused to eat ugali at home.
13. There is always that one man who does not call back. He texts back after a week, he does not even pay your bills, does not take you on dates. Yaani he does zero. But the moment he texts, you cancel all plans and you are on your way to see him. Because you are an embarrassment to your lineage. That man’s existence is the periodic reminder that you have no standards, shame or dignity.
14. Mtu aliwaambia wazungu hawana figure aliwadanganya.
15. Another day na bado hujawaiandikwa kwenye mti ama mkonge wewe na mpoa wako.
16. I am no longer in charge of my love life because of time constraints and my history of poor judgement of character. My bestfriend Ruth and my cousin Gerald Kundu Kubhi from Ndengelwa will vet independently. Upon which, they will forward the name to my area sabu chief for more vetting.
17. Doing a PhD in English is constantly wondering how knowing Shakespeare will make Bukembe better.
18. I have come to realize that finding love is like the process of writing fiction. Have you any idea how many drafts we write and the final product we present?
19. Clocks change here twice a year and no one talks about it. If it was in Bungoma, we would have to set aside a day like aramisi to celebrate and mull over the phenomenon. Ah, these people here are too serious.
20. Do you people know the pain of knowing 7 hours later that Baba died because we are in a different time zone?
21. I woke up to my mother’s message: “Pole kupoteza Baba.” There was momentary darkness my way, followed by a violent bout of diarrhea. My mother needs to learn you cannot text people's children this way, though.
22. Acquiring a new language is so humbling, man. You hear and feel your stupidity in real time. You are aware that you are speaking like a baby. How many humbling moments am I left with in this lifetime?
23. The pain of knowing that Raila will not even read about himself in my novel, where my narrator describes him as "a precious thing that you want to hide from the world, but which the world must see anyway…" Damn Wuora. What you did was nasty.
24. The highlight for my year was being a visiting writer in Dawson College here in Montreal. Kumbe watu hulipwa vizuri hivi huku nje kutokea tu?
25. If you have ever held your dead baby in your hands, you will never find the right words to express how it was your own death in a way. You will never find the right words to express your anger at your body for the betrayal or at God.
26. If you will ever relocate to a new country, you will learn that faith is not secure, and that is the whole point of faith. Such a risky business.
27. Be shameless. Ask for help. There is no trophy for suffering in silence. Bana if we die, we die.
28. When they say older men and women, yes they mean you now. In your 30s. This thing hurts because just the other day, Mr. Flavour described us in his song Sexy Rosey, “Your waist 34; your hips 44; you are 24...” Sigh. How was this 10 years ago?
29. Stop seeking validation. Stop asking for permission. You are a grown up. Sit with your ghosts, confront them and embrace your angels and demons. No, you are not the main character in everyone’s story.
30. I have been having a serious, severe, deadly crush on one of you people for a long while. Sili, silali. I used to think women my age did not have those things. While I said be shameless, I need G, to shoot his shot, man. Muda unayoyoma, G. My step grandmother Nambengele can collect lightning in a bottle, and don’t make me ask her to collect your heart for me.
31. Me to a potential: Sorry, really, my PhD cannot allow me to focus on a relationship right now. I have no bandwidth. Also me to another: I hope you know my happiness and the future absolutely lies in your hands.
32. After my PhD, I swear to you, I will never read again. I will not read signs. I will not read the room. I will not read prescriptions. My pronouns will be non-readers.
33. You have run the race Ambrose; you have kept the faith; you have fought a good fight. Stop fighting to be at the top and to be the best. Tulishamaliza KCPE, KCSE, campus and now you are probably working. You have already proven to yourself. It is enough. Let go for now. This is the future you were told about.
34. I think half of my PhD Supervisor’s work is to manage my anxiety and gather my esteem. Pray for that professor, please. They didn’t sign up for this.
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